Royal BJ

I Put The FUN In Funeral

I Know Someday I'll Die. But I Hope It's From Something Epic Like Crush By WWE Wrestler In A Sex Act Gone Right. I Even Have A Letter Written Out Stuffed Into All My Pillow Cases Just For That Occasion. Anyway Ryla Found A SATC Clip That Reminded Me Of How I'd Like To Be Remembered.

Not Only Does Lexi Remind Me Of Myself And The Rest Of Team Trash But My Current Feeling Towards New York As Well. Bleh. Everyone Is Quitting Smoking Because It's Expensive But If You Ask One Of Your Asshole Friends They'll Say It's For Health Reasons. Oh REALLY? Is This The Same Asshole Friend That Only Drinks Soy Milk And Wont Touch Red Meat??? Yet They'll Do A Fat Rail Of Coke Off The Bathroom Floor In Southside Because It Brings Back Memories? Ugh Sooooo Over That BB.

When New York Comes Back To Life Maybe I Wont Dream About My Funeral.



I'd Rather Be Remembered As The Loud Mouth Filthy Ride Or Die Bitch That I Am. Sure I've Grown Up And Made Changes In My Life But You Can't Kill Herpes. HA!


Probably Should Line My Coffin With Lead, Call The Police Ahead To Keep The Protesters At A Safe Distance, Hire My Favorite Trannies To Perform A Fantastically Rehearsed Mash Up Of "All That She Wants" By Ace Of Base And "Be My Lover" By La Rouche. Oh And Slash Had To Be There. I Don't Want Him To Perform Unless He Has The Bronx Cobra Around His Neck.

Love Him Not

Here Are Some Gift Ideas For The Ones Your Porking This Holiday Of False Promises. If You Receive Another Pair Of Sexy Dice From Duane Reade I'm Assuming Your Brown Star Fish Isn't As Sweet As It Used To Be. Here Are Some Of My Favorite Things...But Unlike Oprah I'm Not Giving These Items Out For Free Baby.

This Silver Anatomical Heart Locket Can Open Any Girl's Legs......Can Be Found At Shanalogic

This Plush Heart Will Put A Smile On Anyone's Face....Available At Fredflare

This Necklace Reminds Me Of My Childhood. Not Because It's From The Disney Couture Line. But The Fact I Got Stabbed In The Heart From A Careless Lover. Sure I Was Only 5 And He Shouldn't Have Been Running With Scissors.....But He Was The Only Certified Doctor In Our Little Game.

I've Heard Of A Love Gun Before....But These Aren't The Kind Of Babies I'm Used To Seeing As Ammunition.

I Don't Enjoy People Doing Weird Things To My Food. Especially Since I Only Eat Once Every 3 Days Now. But When I Do Eat I Do Love Breakfast Foods. But These Pieces Of Jewelery Says...."Baby I Know You Love Diamonds But This Fake Waffle Comes With A Silver Spoon"

I'd Love This Much More If They Were Panties.....

Those Are Just Some Gift Ideas. Minus The Flowers,KY Jelly That Sets Your Groin On Fire And Edible Panties. I Did That Once. I Brought A Pair Of Edible Undies For My Older BF When I Was In High School. He Got Drunk, Went Into My Room Found Them With His Other Gifts....Came Out Into The Crowded Kitchen Only Wearing A Beanie And The Passion Fruit Pantalones....It Wasn't Until I Heard My GF's Screeching In Horror Did I See Him Dancing Around In My Dining Room. One Girl Started To Cry Because It Was The First White Pee Pee She Ever Saw. Bad Enough He Had Red Pubes.....Probably The Worst/BEST Present EVER! Yumm Memories.

The Fuck Thesis

If You Up On Your News This Week I'm Sure You've Heard Of The Duke Graduate That Wrote Her Whole Thesis On The One Night Stands And Long Term Hook Ups Of Her College Experience. Sounds Like My Hero. Did I Mention This Was A Chick? That's Where This Story Has Scandalized The Media. Don't Frat Boys Keep Record Of This Kind Of Shit All The Time? Some Critics Are Praising Karen F Owen For Her Empowering 42 Page Powerpoint Thesis About The 13 Duke Students She Had Sexual Encounters With. Not Only Did It Have Pictures, Full Names And Extensive Details Of Each Encounter/Relationship. It Reads Like My Diary If I Was Responsible Enough To Keep One For My Medical Records.
Karen Lists Memorable Moments If There Were Any,The Pros And Cons And My Favorite Is When Subjects 8 & 7 Were Good Friends. If You'd Like To Endulge Yourself With Some Hot And Heavy Reading Here's A One Of The Last Links Available Online........HERE.

Some Highlights For Me Were From A 6'4" Baseball Player She'd Been Fantasizing About Since Freshmen Year. He'd Ask Her "....Tell Me How Much You Like Big, Black Cock." Well Ms. Owen Never Had Been With One So He Asked Her To Pretend And Say She Liked Said Big Black Cock. Then Ends Up He Had A Small Shrinky Dink. She Wrote This Perfect Description Of The Disappointing Moment Where You Discover Your Dream Man Has A Baby Winky. Her Simile Of A Small Penis Is One To A Bad Christmas Present From Your Grandmother. You Shake The Box To Hear What's Inside. You Slowly Unwrap The Paper And Then That Smile Drops To The Floor Because It's Another Pair Of Thick Wool Socks....Well It Was Pure Genius And Every Ounce Of Truth.

So Ms. Owen Has Gone Into Hiding Since The Media Blitz. If I Was Her I'd Be LOUD And Proud. If Excelling In The Realm Of Horizontal Academics Happened On An Episode On Gossip Girl this Spring I Wouldn't Be Mad. Though "Collecting Data" On That Show Is Pretty Bleak Considering....Serana Lost Her Virginity To Nate. Nate Thought He Took Blairs When Blair Really Lost It To Chuck Whose Serena's Step Brother. But Serena Did Sleep With Her Other Step Brother Dan Whose Back To Dating Vanessa Whose Slept With Chuck,Nate And Dan....

Atleast Duke Will Be Famous For This Instead Of The Rape Happy Lacrosse Team....

Karen Please Come Back. I'd Love To Discuss Sex With You. Shit This Makes Me Wanna Go Back To School.

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Moist Moist Moist Moist

Summmmmer Time Buzz Killers Alert

bug bites.....serious serious bugs bites.....my sweet and tangy asian skin is a target for

hungry bugs

Sun Burns many many many summers ago I was able to suntan when my family owned a little burger shake at Long Beach in Noyac in the early 90's but soon after the summer I shaved my head I became fully Irish or something because I tots would burn like crazy. Cooked Lobsters would be tots jealous of my crimson red flesh....best part is touching it and watching your hot sticky skin turn from white to red...or watching the ice cubes melt from the top of your chest down to your belly button....


Creeps there's an unlimited supply of them this season....
From the Wanna Be Bankers that have a Share In Some Smelly dirty Manison....luckily they're only out every four weekend or so.. Then there's the Mooch or Bum.....he has nowhere to stay, no car to get around, and yet he's sooo twisted and still manages to persuades a chick to bang in a bathroom before the nights over....(way to go)but you're still a major creep
Then there's the Struggling 30 something guy all his buddies have their shit together and have some what successful careers. He's still kinda teaching yoga but is also kinda a dog walker that also house sits on his free time. He tends to lie about his age to drunk teens to bring them back to the pool house he rents from his friend's parents. The Starving Artist he's either a photographer that once has an editorial in Vanity Fair or Hamptons Magazine. Or he's a really bad screenplay writters that drinks coffee and smokes boogies a pack at a time. He chats about how awesome music in the 70's is but then looses the purpose of the conversation half way through. The creepy 17 year old he roams the streets because he's cursed with a baby face and is constantly denied at the door of most bars and clubs....he's never alone, he carries a crew that's willing to whistle at you until your heels are finally outta sight. He calls you Ma' or Shorty.....this doesn't go well for me considering I'm nearly 6 feet tall....heels I'ma Beast so that's a punch in the face waiting to happen. The Candyman he's that 40 something year old guy surrounded by a gaggle of 20 something hot chicks.....spoon feeding them drugs and alcohal....spending all of his retirement money of hot pieces of ass.....we're probably he's date majority of the summer...ha


Camping trips this can make or break your summer....Check for rocks before setting the tent umm idk if you've gotten rocks up your ass in the middle of sex but it's pretty rough. Collect dry fire wood plus a fake log. Wrap your food up good unless you love being waking up by animals eating your food...raccoons have thumbs i've seen it! Paper towels,Paper towels,Paper towels. Extra batteries for cameras,music players and vibrators....


Town Cops I offically know it's Summer When I'm blowing 3 cops just to get out of a parking ticket.....East Hampton cops have these plate zappers that scan your shit....if you're not suppose to be on the road because you got a DUI right after your cousin's wedding....best not be on the road. State Troopers like making appearences too...they just love causing district troubles in Mouthampton.

Finding a tennis court let's face it after we sold our house in Mouthampton a few years ago with the clay court our game hasn't been the same....we know of private courts throughtout the heavy wooded residents but don't be afraid to run from the cops or angry fat neighbors when they come snooping around.


Hook up stealers your boy from the city is crashing and fucks two of your best girls....your stuck in the middle.....who stole him from who? Um who cares you've been fucking him since 10th grade.......


Heavily Guarded Celebs are whack. If you think your in danger in the Tramptons you deserved to be spit on by the drunken slags waiting on line for the bathroom that you cut....sowwee


New Money they just have no class.They Tramp up the Tramptons and think that White House is FRICKIN' AWESOME!!! You can spot their fake blue contacts and orange tans and fake tits. They're just doing what they heard was cool according to Vh1's Fabulous Life......I think Florida misses you......