I Recently Got A Real Job While Promoting My Thai Food Catering Business. So I've Been Falling Behind On Blogging My Thoughts. But Be Sure To Follow My Twitter @DaddyIssues
In The Mean Time Of Me Confronting My Adulthood Head On I'd Like To Share Some Of My Favorite Things. Oprah Isn't OWNing Me Today Ladies....Unless She Gives Me A Free Ipad 2 Or Gives Me Dr.Oz's Phone Number I Don't Owe Her ANYTHING.
So Lemme Just Highlight Some Of The Things I've Been Obsessing With. (Besides Penis,Glitter, And The Drag Queens That Have Both)
First Off The Wife And I Discovered A Great Movie.It's Called Mystery Team And Stars Donald Glover From Community. Donald Plays Jason A High School Senior With The Soul Of A 10 Year Old. He Spends Majority Of His Free Time Solving Petty Crimes With His Two Best Friends Charlie The Strongest Kid In Town And Duncan The Boy Genius. The Boys Have Been Foiling 7 Years Olds From Stealing And Have A 24 Booth Where A Redheaded Special Needs Adult Girl Bikes By To Tell The Boys Her Tips. Like The Comish And Batman With The Bat Signal Except Commissioner Gordon Is A Hot Redhead Riding Her Bike Around Town Talking To Trash Cans And Harassing The Little Kids At The Park Because Her Aging Grandmother Who Probably Takes Care Of Her Is Too Tired To Keep Her Chained Up In The Basement.
Anyway The Boys Get Their Hands Full When Asked To Solved A Double Homicide. From The Great Cameos From Other Comedians To The Best Lines Ever This Movie Is Def Worth Watching Stoned On A Sunday Night When Family Guy, American Dad And Everything Else On Fox Is All Reruns. Or Because I Said So And You'll Never Understand Anything I Say Because It Would Be A Line From This Movie. I've Also Discovered There's A Boatload Of Webisodes On YouTube. That's Like Getting A Dick Pic On Your Cell And Sending It To One Of Your Girls To Show Her What Your Getting Later But Then Send It To Everyone On Your Cell. Now Everyone Knows What Great Dong Your Getting Later. (Fun Fact: Donald Glover Also Goes By DongLover....)
Ahanu And I Have Been Quoting This Movie Nonstop. Some Favorites Are:
"Whatever You Do Don't Suck Their Dicks"
"FUCK! Yeah I Say Fuck Now! I've Been Trying It Out In The Backyard"
"What Is That?" "My C-Section Scar. For 5 Bucks I'll Let You Cum On It" "I'll Give You 2 If You Tell Me What That All Means"
"I Drank Dog Pee"
"With The Market The Way It Is....It's Better To Rent Cocaine"
Secondly Bob's Burgers Has Been Making Me Cream My Lace Panties For Weeks. It Stars Some Really Talented People But The Only Person I Care About Is John Roberts The Person Behind Mittymoo....Don't Know What I'm Talking About?
Anyway I've Loved John Roberts Forever. He Reminds Me Of All The Jersey/Long Island Moms At The Malls Hasseling Me For Taking Too Long In The Changing Rooms Then Makes A Panda Express Joke When I Walk Out. Great Right? Anyway Bob's Burgers Is An Epic Addition To Fox's Animation Domination Block. Spicing Up The Family Dynamic By Adding A Family Business Which I Could Relate.
I Grew Up In My Mom's Thai Restaurant For 17 Years. Unlike Every Other Thai Restaurant Ours Had An Irish Sports Bar Connected. Out Menu Had Pad Thai,Pork Fried Rice, Chicken Pot Pie,Pizza And Burgers. I'm Not Complaining....I Got To Harass Hamptons' Celebrities, The Regulars Taught Me How To Never Settle For Your High School Sweetheart Because You'll End Up Sitting In A Bar Watching Jeopardy Every Night, And How To Place My Napkins On A Table. Enough About My Theraphy Sessions.
Bob's Burgers Is Hysterical. Bob Is a Disgruntled Dad Trying To Make It With What He's Got. His Wife Linda Is A Dreamer, His Oldest Daughter Tina Is Slower Than Hugh Hefner On A Conga Line, His Son Gene Is A Constant Reminder He Should Have Pulled Out And Louise Is The Smart Trouble Maker. Tina Is Hands Down My Favorite Animated Character With A Defect Since Timmy From South Park.
So I Rarely Watch Mtv. The Only Time I Do Is To Get My Dj Pauly D Fix From The Jersey Shore. But Something Awkward Happened One Night During A Commerical Break. I Wasn't Sure If This Was Real Or A Gag. So I Hear A Snoop Dogg Song Come Up. It's A Little Dated But Still A Classic Jam At Proms. I See This Average Ugly Girl To Start To Dance. The Way I'd Dance If I Was At A Babyshower To Lighten Up The Mood Because We're All 17 And Barely Graduated High School.
But It Turns Out This Wasn't A Gag For One Of Mtv's Failed Comedy Shows. It Wasn't For A Nick Cannon's Awful Show And Now I'm Addicted To The Commerical. If Anything It Probably Tastes Terrible But If Your A Futurama Fan It Tastes Like Slurrrrm.
Ok Kids I'm OFF. Sure I Couldda Talked About How The World Is Coming To The End And That Elizabeth Taylor Died And Pretend I Loved Nate Dogg And That I Some How Only Heard About The Shiz In Japan....But Hey! I Cry Enough That I Wake Up Next To A Fat Dog Instead Of A Naked Under Age Boy.
Today I Had To Spend My Friday Afternoon Supervising A Read-a-Thon At The Library I Do Community Service At. Let's Just Say Too Many Of Them Reminded Me Of Bebe's Kids And A Comforting Fact Washed Over...... That I'm Infertile....... Reminded Me How Lucky I Am And The General Public Because My Kids Would Be The Future Felons Of The Hamptons TOO!
I Have Offered Sexual Favors To Whom Ever Brought Me To See Toy Story & Toy Story 2 in 3D This Past Winter. Let's Just Say That Didn't Sit Too Well With Big Poppa. But I'm Still Super Pumped About Toy Story 3 And Thankfully Majority Of The Original Cast Members Haven't Died. (Minus Jim Varney)
So In The First Movie We're Introduced To The Beloved Patriarch Of The Toy Box Woody. He's a Lovable Cotton & Plastic Hero With a Heart of Gold Threads, Right? Not Exactly. When The New Hard Shinny Plastic That Was Buzz Lightyear Broke Into The Scene After a Birthday Party Things Go Down Hill For Our Beloved Cowboy. Things Like Jealousy and Hatred Creep Into His Soul Then Corrupts His Kingdom. Much Like The 60's When Cowboys Were Out And Spacemen Were In. Woody Struggles To Keep The Love Of His Owner Andy. Andy Showers Buzz With Love That Used To Belong To Woody. Even Writes His Name On Buzz's Shoe In a Smelly Black Marker To Show To The World And The Toy Chest He Was The New Supreme Toy.
Buzz Believing To Be a Real Space Ranger And Not A Toy Sees Woody As Only a Threat To His Mission To Return To Headquarters And Defeat The Evil Emperor Zurg.
So When Woody Tries To Trap Buzz In-between The Gap Of Andy's Desk; He Totally Over Shoots And Swings Buzz Out The Window. Leaving The Other Toys Horrified And Pissed That Woody Had Murder Buzz. But Before The Toys Could React Andy Waltzes Through Searching For Buzz. In a Rush He Grabs Woody And Heads To a Space Theme Pizza Joint Called Pizza Planet. After A Mishap At The Gas Station Where Andy's Mom Refuels,Woody Gets Tackled By a Stole Away Buzz.
So Yadda Yadda Yadda They Get To The Pizza Place Where Buzz Bum Rushes A Spaceship Shaped Toy Crane Machine. (The Cohabitants (3 Eye Aliens) Think The Crane Is God. ) The Evil Psychopathic Neighbor Sid Retrieves Our Fallen Heroes.
Sid Brings Them Home To His Toy Grave Yard Where Buzz Has The Epiphany That He Is In Fact a TOOOOOOYYYY, Buzz Being Emotionally Crushed Admits Defeat And Ready For Death....(A Little Emo For Kids Right?) Woody Saves Buzz From a Rocket Of Death And Uses It To Catch Up With The Moving Vans.....Perfect Master Piece.
In Toy Story 2 Things Have Changed A Lot. Andy Was Away At Summer Camp While His Mom Had a Yard Sale. There Woody Was Accidentally Placed Into a Box Where Toy Enthusiast Al Tries To Buy Him Along With Other Junk For Only 10 Bucks. Luckily Andy's Mom Catches Woody In Time And Stores Woody In Her Cash Box. Unfortunately Al's Fatty Hairy Hands Cracks The Box And Steals Our Cowboy. We Later Find Out That Al Is The Same Al That Pounces Around In a Chicken Suit To Convince Children To His Barn Filled With Toys. (Attention SVU) There Woody Meets Jesse The Rowdy Cowgirl, Stinky Pete The Prospector and Bulleyes The Beloved Horse. Woody Also Learns He's Based Off a Famous Show and Is Worth A Lot Of Clams.
After Getting Repaired, (His Arm Fell Off) Him and The Rest Of His New Crew Were Japan Bound To Spend Eternity In a Glass Case For Bowled Cut Japanese Children. Pototoe Head, Hamm, Rex, Slinky And Of Course Buzz Come To Rescue For Woody. In The Process We Find Out Stinky Pete Really Wants To Go To Japan And Become Eye Candy Forever. Jesse Our Fireclothed Little Bandit (See What I Did There?) Was Once Owned But Is Now Emotionally Damaged Goods. After Defeating Stinky Pete Everyone Goes Back To Andy's Live Their Days Happily Forever After......Until Andy Goes To College. This Is Where Toy Story 3 The Movie I've Waited a 11 years For Comes In.
Apparently Pixar Had a Whole Other Movie In Mind That Didn't Pan Out. But They Won't Tell Us What It Was Because It'll Probably Become Another Plot Line In a Different Movie.
So Andy's Mom Accidentally Donates Andy's Toys. Which Is Fucking Ridiculous. I Still Have All My Beanie Babies, All My Spice Girls Stuff And Even From Pocahontas Shit Too. Maybe It's The Fact My Mother Is a Hoarder And Normally Finds Me Stuff In The Trash and Tells Me It's Still Good.( Thankfully She Saved All Her Tacky Sequined Dresses From The 80's!)
So Our Toys Are At This Day Care, Everything Seems Amazing. They'll Always Be Played With And Will Always Be Loved. But The Other Toys There Seem To Have a Mafia Going On Where They Whack Off The New Toys It Seems. (Side Note: I Knew This Kid In College Obsessed With Disney Stuff. He Had Sheets,Posters and Even a Fully Snow Globe Collection. When I Heard He Got a Job At Disney World I Wasn't Shocked.) So Buzz Gets Rebooted Into a Spanish Space Cadet. Leaving The Other Toys To Fend For Themselves.
Also Slinky Who Was Voiced By Jim Varney You Know Ernest? But Sadly He Passed Away. But Replacing Him Is None Other Than Blake Clark...FUCKING SHAWN HUNTER'S DADDY! Perfect Match. I Had Thought About It The Other Day That It Must Have Been Him And I Was Right.
Ok I'm Done. I Totally Nerded Out Disney Style On You.
Since Cartoons Came Into Color All The Best Babes and Bimbos Have Flashed Red Luscious Locks. There's Always Been Something Mysterious About Those Redhead Girls That Always Got My Blood Rushing Into All My Naughty Lady Parts.
Tex Avery Was an American Cartoonist That Had a Natural Knack For Slapstick and Gags. Tex Avery Was The Creator Of Many Looney Tune Classics Such As Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck,and Porkie Pig. But Most Memorable Was Droopy and His Cast of Characters Such As The Horny Wolf and Red Hot Riding Hood.
The Sexual Content,The Hollywood Glamour and The Casual Drinking & Smoking,Were Staples In His Now Legendary Shorts.The Wolf Chased Red,Red Was Trying To Escape To Grandma and Grandma Must Have Been Raging On Something Because SHE WAS ALLLLL ABOUT THAT WOLF MEAT.
I Personally Enjoyed The Second Riding Hood Titled "Little Rural Riding Hood" It's a Little Bit Funnier With The Goofy Country Bumpkin Wolf...."He Just Wants To Kiss and Hug Her And Hold Her And Kiss Her And Gosh....." Sureee That's What All The Men of the 1940's Only Wanted to Do Right? Hug and Kiss? Red Later Finally Received a Name in One of Droopy Spin Offs Droopy & Dripple.Miss Vavoom Suited With Her Saucy Style and Curvaceous Bod.
Now There's a lot of Talk About Which Flintstone Babe Was The Hottest But Since This Is All About Reds We'll Have To Go With Wilma ,Pebbles and Guest Star Ann Magrock. Wilma Had Fred on LOCK DOWN...How Many Red Hot Mama's Has Rocks That Big Draped Around Her Neck Like That If She Doesn't Have a Happy Man? Maybe Fred Was Big On Happy Wife Happy Life?
I'm Pretty Sure Fred Was a Wife Beater...He Was a Cave Man After All...And He Was Modeled After Ralph Kramden Who Was in His Own Right a Brute,Violent Bus Driver. He'd Insult His Wife And Then Threaten Her With Physical Violence. Sexy Eh? Well Some How They Spawned They're Adorable Daughter Pebbles. She Really Skanked It Up With Her No Pants Policy a Girl Of My Own Heart. Just Like Myself She Has Serious Bed Head Issues Constantly Getting Things Stuck In Her Do Sucha As a Bone.She's Even Had Little Bam Bam Chasing Her Screaming Nothing But "BAM BAM" It's Not Only His Name Ladies.
Ann Margrock Was a Starlet That Got a Flat Tire On Her Way To An Event...She Was Voiced By Real Life Redheaded Babe Ann Margret She Totally Banged Elvis When He Was Like Lucid,Skinny,Drop Dead Sexy and Talented...Bitchhhhh.
From The Stone Age To The Space Age Let's Get Familiar With a Futuristic Babe.Jane Jetson Is The Mom Of The Future. She Spent Her Husbands Hard Earned Cash On Robotic Sex Toys and Jewelery That Complemented Her With Such Gems like "Your Butt Looks Small Today" and "Your Eyebrows Are Looking Phenomenal In This Lighting." Ahhh To Be a Sultry Mom Of The Near Distant Future...
Our Next Babe Makes All Mystery Solving Stoners Thick in Their Nether Reigns....When You Hear Daphne Blake A Few Words Come To Mind Like Jinkies & Zoinks! Daphne Was the Beautiful Rich Girl Of Mystery Inc. Leaving Poor Velma To Be The Brains of the Operation To Apprehend The Spooky Criminals. Daphne Would "Investigate" Alone With The Handsome Fred Jones and His Orange Ascot Filled With Man Sweat and European Cologne UGHHHHH. They Would Come Back From Some Trap Door or Swiveling Book Case That They Only Knew About With Daph Fussing With Her Hair... Yeah Girllllllllll. Get It!
One Of My Biggest Idols Doesn't Even Live On Land. But With Perfect Hair Under Water and Out.It's Easy To See Why Any Land Lover To Think She's Worth Dying For. Ariel Was a 16 year old Mermaid With a Slight Hoarder OCD Complex. But Shit, Girl Had AMAZING HAIR!!!! Perfect Volume During an Intense Song About The Troubles Of Living Under The Sea. Then Having Epic Bangs In The Sea Breeze While Singing Your Little Fish Heart Out To Any Pirate Listening?? AHHH Here's Some Photographic Evidence To Show You What I'm Talking About.
(Are You Ready To Jump Ship Too?) So Our Girl Was a Little Dick Crazy and She Was Willing To Give Up Her Gift Of Song For It....I'm Mean Prince Eric Was Probably All About The Situation. A Speechless Temptress Of The Sea Pining For Your Attention? Ariel Probably Smelt Like Seaweed and Coconuts, Skin as Soft as Silk (Years and Years Of Salt Water) Her New Toes Probably Were SOOO CUTE. Purple Shells Are Soooo In This Season Too.
Let's Change Gears Shall We? A Super Villianess Poison Ivy Was a Scientist Nerd That Was in a Freak Accident Where She Became a Super Sexual Seductress. Her Main Power Was Her Kiss Of Death. Her Lips Were Nothing But Deadly. Like Most Tropical Plants She Exacerbated An Exotic Scent That Aroused All Her Victims To Their Death.
Who Knew Such An Irritating Plant Could Be So Alluring? This Temptress Questioned Batman's Love Affair With Robin. She Could Make Any Red Blooded Man Cry and Desperate...SAUCY....
Another Redheaded Vixen Was CGI'd Prince Fiona. Voiced By Cameron Diaz She Could Knock Out a Crew Of Merry Men,Matrix Kick You In The Face and Singing Became Her Lethal Weapon.. Sure She Eventually Turned Into an Orgre But She Found Love and Talking Donkeys,Talking Gingerbread Boys And Seductive Spanish Cat.
Another Silver Screen Babe Was None Other Than Jessica Rabbit. She The Starlet That Won The Heart of Roger Rabbit and Many Generations Of Boys. Legs That Went On For Days,Her Peekaboo Hair Style and Juicy Assets.
She Was Every Diva Rolled Up In One.
A Beloved Tv Show Growing Up Was About This Epic Older Sister With The Dreams Of Becoming an Actress. Judy Funnie. Well It Was a Show About Her Little Brother, Doug.She was a Brilliant Fashion Icon, Wearing Black With Purple,Thigh High Black Leather Boots and Sunglasses ALL DAY EVERYDAY! Nothing Said Thespian Like a Beret In The 90's,Judy Was The Beatnik At Heart Then a Sister.
Is she lame? Is she cool? Is she breakin' every rule? Is she anybody's fool? Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann, marchin' in her own parade. Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million! Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann, much too cool for seventh grade. Catch 'er if you can, Pepper Ann
The Song Should Be Enough To Explain How Awesome Pepper Ann Was. She Ruled Saturday Morning Cartoons With Her Independent Gusto and Her Band of Odd Friends. Her Tomboyish Sister Moose Scarred Me For 5 Years. I Wasn't Sure What Her Deal Was Or That She Was a Chick To Begin With. My Own Sexual Identity Struggled Because of MOOSE!
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Let's Bring It Back To a Modern Day Mom Shall We? Lois Griffin Has The Sex Appeal Of a Tigress in Heat. She's Gave Birth To Three Of Peter Griffin's Unwanted Children Yet Still Is Hot Enough To Own The Hearts Of Both Brian The Family Dog and Glen Quagmire The Local Perverted Sexaholic. Lois Came From a Wealthy Pewterschmidt Family. Peter Was a Towel Boy at Her Country Club, They Fell In Love In a Dirty Dancing Type Scene. Lois Was Also Crowned Miss Rhode Island And Won a Year Contract With a Modeling Agency But He Father Didn't Think It Was Classy Enough For a Pewterschmidt. Lois Is Currently a Piano Teacher and Home Maker. Enough Wine Lois Can Become a Lounge Singer in Just Moments If Tempt Hard Enough.
From The Modern Mom To The Girl Next Door...Mary Jane Watson Was Peter Parker's Next Door Neighbor. She Was a Fiesty Redhead That Has Severe Family Issues Resulting In Party and Multiple Relationships. Referring To Peter Parker As Tiger She Won his Heart But Not Hers....Well Right Away. They Eventually Get Married But Not After Much Chaos and Terror Was Involved First. Where There's MJ There's a Trail Of Broken Hearts....Harry Osborn Was One Casualty.
One Of My Favorite Shows Was Gargoyles. Stone by Day Beast By Night This Show Captured My Heart. Demona Was the Former Mate Of Goliath The Clan's Leader and Hearthob. They Gave Birth to Gargoyle Hottie Angela. Unlike The Rest Of The Clan Demona Wasn't Frozen For Hundreds Of Years But Was Rather Cursed To Live As Long As Macbeth Did By Puck The Trickster. Macbeth Had Named Demona For Her Demonic Fight Skills. After Many Years Demona Had Grown a Distaste For Humans Yet She'd Been Cursed To Become Human During The Day Rather Then Turn Into Stone....What a Hottie
Another Devilish Red Head Was A Marvelous Mutant.Jean Grey-Summers Was The Redheaded Bombshell That Kept The X-Men Busting Seams In Those Spandex Suits. Born With Telepathic and Telekinetic Abilities She Could Undress You and Make You Say Naughty Things To Her Against Your Own Will. But Who'd Complain? This Firecrotch was an Omega-Level Mutant Meaning She Could Manipulate Matter and Energy,Translation She's An All Around BAD ASS. When She Wasn't Giving Cyclops a HJ Without Using Her Hands and Drying Hump Wolverine While Floating In Mid Air She Was Fighting Her Inner Demons. Like a Bad Case Of Herpes The Burning Sensation Manifested As The Phoenix.
Our Next Choice Is One Mom That Had To Deal With An Eccentric Inventor Husband Who Constantly Stayed Up Late To Steal The Mini Van's Car Battery For His Latest Creations,Silly Hebrew Parents,A Sleeping Father-In-Law Regularly Losing Her Children,and Trying To Evade Her Over Enthusiastic Gym Rat Lesbian Next Door Neighbor. Dee Dee Pickles Wass The Kindhearted Mother of Two Little Pickles. Including Her Husband Stu It's Three. His Late Night Antics Made Her Hair Turn On Her. When The Rugrats Movie Came Out And She Was In Those Stirrups I Couldn't Stopping Thinking About Her. Years of Following Dr. Lipschitz She'd Have To Be a Bomb Ass Mom By Now.
If You Have Yellow Fever This Next Underaged Sexpot Maybe Your Diamond In The Rough. Do You Like Monsters? Do You Like Tomboys That Travels With Two Boys,and a Girl That Knows How To Handle Balls?Lemme Introduce You To Misty From Pokemon Which Is Short For Pocket Monsters....To Catch a Predator Was Already Taken. Misty Followed Potential Pokemon Master Ash and Brock. While Going On Adventures Team Rocket Would Try To Put a Pokeball In Misty's Pikachu While Trying Not To Squirtle All Over Her JigglyPuff....Dirtyyy
Continuing With Our Theme Of Pedophilia Let's Talk About Genetically Engineered Test Tube Super Heroes. The Power Puff Girls Were Sugar,Spice and Everything Nice Except The Professor Added and Extra Ingredient to the Concoction...CHEMICAL X. Theses Little Kindergartners Were Rescuing Their City Of Townsville On a Daily Basis.Blossom The Leader Was a Little Bossy But She Knows How To Finish The Job and We All Know That's The Girl You Really Want To Be With. Bubbles Her Blonde Sister Was a Dud, She Would Grow Into a Cocktease That Would Blow Anyone For a New Stuffed Animal. Buttercup Was Become The First Female President With Her First Lady Ms. Sara Bellum. (Ms. Bellum Was The Mayors Secretary. Her Face Was Almost Hiden But Those Curves Were Always Kickin'. Ms. Bellum is One Saucy Babe To Keep Most Politicians Warm At Night.)
Another Trio Of Babes Which Was Also Lead By a Redhead Was Josie and The Pussycats! Josie and Her Bandmates Were Like a Sexy Sober Scooby Doo. They Even Became Crime Solvers In SPACE!!!!!! They Had Fun Songs That All Those Horny Cereal Eating Boys Of The 60's Loved To Sing-A-Long.
Our Next Babe Really Was a Dream Come True For Any Master. Jeanie Was a Magical Sex Kitten That Granted Your Every Wish From Sexual Fantasies To a Underwater Adventure Then She'll Wrap It Up By Disappearing Back Into Her Bottle. Jeanie Was Your Girl To Keep You Satisfied She Lived To Please Her Master.
And Our Last Is a Gal That Sure Does Know How To Work It. Petunia Was Little Pete's Life Long Companion. Sure She's a Tattoo and a Young Chubby Little Boy But She Was Purrrrdy!
Volume Two....Those Gingers Should Sit On The Face So I Can Guess Their Weight (Redheaded Gents)
