I'm An Alcoholic And A Hoarder. Have You Ever Had Two Miserable Habits That Just Couldn't Be Explained? I Have So Many Knick Knack "Jars" That It's Beyond Creepy. My Hoarding Mother Is Starting To Think I'm A The Worst Living Abortion Ever. (Side Note : She Had Me At 44)
It's Like..... Okay This Particular Empty Tequila Bottle Has A Lot Of Sentimental Value. "Does It Really?" Yeah For What I Remember About That Bottle It Means A Lot. "Can You Throw It Out?" I'm Pretty Sure If You Even Pretend To Drop It I'd Attack You And Start Crying That Your Emotionally Raping My Soul As Loud As I Could. Then Black Out Without Even Drinking; From The Constant Brain-bashing I'd Be Doing To You For Touching My Stuff. Then Proceed To Tell You How Much I Love My Cats And That Your Just Lying About Your Allergies.
Shhhh Shhhh...
I Have The Proper Chemicals To Peel Off The Duct Tape Without Hurting You. But First You Have To Promise Me You'll Stop Crying. I'll Let You Live If You Just Give Me Back My Knick Knack Jar Filled With Coins I'll Never Use To Make Change, The Soda Can Keys That Ended In P's & G, Random Pieces Of Yarn And That Single Skittle From The Time I Went To See Harry Potter Chamber Of Secrets Because I Totes Touched His Pee-Knockle.....
Now That I've Grown Used To Living In Large Rooms Again. (NYC APTS BLOW) My Whole House Is Covered In Broken Sunglasses, NYC Condoms That I've Stolen From Drag Queen Bars, My Alligator Purse That I Only Have Out For Company, And My Empty Bottles Of Vitamins...Oh And It's All Covered In Cat Hair.
I'm Currently Using A Years Worth Of Star Magazines, People,Us Weekly And Times To Be The Bordering Between My Mattress And My Swedish Wooden Bed Board. I Consider That My Recycling For The Decade.
Now That I Think Of It My Drinking Has Nothing To Do With My Hoarding. I Kinda Love The Idea Of Being An Asian Hoarder With A Million Cats. It's Like I'm A CSI Victim Waiting To Happen.
But Trying To Be Sober And Trying To Throw Away A Bottle From Your 21st Birthday, Or The Best Halloween Ever, Or The Bottle Your Girlfriend Stole From Paris Hilton's Hamptons House Just For You.....It's Just Painful. I'm Seriously Afraid I'll Hurt Someone Trying To Get Rid Of It. Then Sit In My House Crying Listening To The Virgins As The Dead Body Of The Social Worker That's Been Working With Me To Clean My House Is Laying On The Floor....(Um I Hope Your Not Reading This We Still Have An Appointment Tomorrow At 3 O'Clock)
Purse Shot On A Light Day
Street Hoarding
From My Twitter Account, Blackberry, Purses And Bedrooms There's An Excessive Amount Of Signs Of My Hoarding. I Favorite Tweets That I'm Pretty Positive I'll Never Go Back And Read. (But The Idea That I Could Is Comforting.)
I Have Pictures Of Fonda Saved On My Phone Just So I Can Stare At His Beautiful Hair Because It's So Magical To Me At 7 AM When I Can't Sleep. My Purse Is Filled With 8 Lipsticks Majority The Shade Of Candy Pink. 4 Lighters Because I Can Never Find The One I Need. Oh And Not To Mention The Receipts I Never Throw Out Because I Need To Know What Time I Went To Starbucks Or Something.
I Literally Still Have My Broken Camera From High School, My Favorite D&G Cell Phone, Paint Brushes I've Never Used, Feathers, Glitter,Beads For My 3 Bead Kits, And The Rest Of My Unfinished Crafts I Started In The Summer Of 2005. Because I Was Smoking A Lot Of Pot And Thought I Could Become Some Hippy Artst That Sold Bracelets Out Of My Trunk. Instead I Flipped My Car. Which Was A Sign From Buddha That I Should Stop Stealing Stupid Shit From Michaels And Pearl When I Should Be Focusing On The More Important Things Like Oral Sex And Joint Rolling Because At The End Of The Night You Should Be Able To Provide Something Besides Pussy.
But Not All Hoarding Is Awful. In Times Of War, Snowapocalypse Or Baby Sitting Several Jewish Teens.....Hoarding Comes In Handy. You May Call Me An Excessive Hoarding Monster But I Like To Think Of It An Intense Collecting Habit. The Word Pack Rat Is Offensive.
Now I Have The Biggest Steps Ahead Of Me.....What Tv Show Do I Want To Be Exploited On Just For A Few Moments OF GLORRRRYYY!
I Recently Got Rid of My Little Mermaid Hair. It Was Beyond Difficult For Me But It Was a Necessary Change To Get Me Outta Of My Funk. The Disney Classic Was a Staple In My Childhood Days. My Sister And Our Friends Would Pick Our Characters On The Sunday Morning After a Sleep Over. After The Pancakes and Milk We'd Get Our Sleeping Bags Around The Television Set And Perform As Ariel,Ursula and Sebastian. I Was Always Ariel and My Older Sister Was Ursula. (Especially When Ursula Becomes a Babe) Redheads Have Aroused Me For Decades But Ariel Just Really Got My Engine Going Every Time.
A Few Years Ago I Was Driving To The Store, I Was Skipping Through a Boat Load Radio Stations Then This One Radio Show Caught My Attention. After Arriving At My Destination, I Sat in My Champagne Colored Cruiser For 20 mins During That Hot Sticky Summer Day.
I Was So Wrapped Up In This Story. It Was About A College Student From Columbia University From The Early 90's The Pre-Internet Era.( Uggghh I Shutter To Imagine Such an Awful Place.....)Like Most Colleges Of It's Day Columbia Had a Voicemail System For Each Of It's Students. There Was a Voicemail Message That Became Infamous Across The Land In The 90's. Now This DiscJockey Wouldn't Play The Message But Continues To Blow Up It's Notoriety For a Quarter of an Hour. This Voicemail Became So Popular That Kids Had Made Remixes Of It, 12 Minute Long House Music Trance Songs Dedicated To It and a Whole Variety Show Was Inspired By It. This Radio Journalist Even Hunted Down Some Graduates Of Columbia To Ask Them About The Tape In Question. Most Started To Laugh Or Giggle While Reminiscing About Their Good Ole College Years. He Eventually Found The Original Owner Of The Voicemail.
The Voicemail Goes Like This "You And The Little Mermaid Can Both Go Fuck Ya Selves...I Can't Find Your Books I Think There In La Hoya....BYEEEEEEE"Jonathan Goldstein Had Said "Bitch Squealer" And For Some Dominatrix Reasoning....I Had To Listen. To Here The Radio Show Click Here.
Now The Little Mermaid Has A Lot More Meaning To Me Then It Did As a Child. Sometimes There Are Some People Outside Of My Inner Circle That Know Of This Columbia Urban Legend And I'm So Thankful To The Joy It's Brought Me Over The Years.
Just Like The Movie and The Radio Show...My Mermaid Hair Had Brought Me Much Joy and Satisfactions. Now Without It I Feel Like The Mighty Samson I Have Fallen Without My Hair Which Had Blessed Me With Strength, Courage and Good Fortune. Damn You. Now I Feel Naked, Alone, Confused and Lost. Just Like Spring Break 2004 When I Woke Up Naked In The Woods From a Black Out.
The Following Will Be Fan Art Of The Little Mermaid And Photos Of Myself As Ariel/Jessica Rabbit On The Streets
This Is My Favorite Part of The Whole Movie That's Non Mermaid Related.
Please Read My Other Blog About Redheaded Cartoons Here
Since Cartoons Came Into Color All The Best Babes and Bimbos Have Flashed Red Luscious Locks. There's Always Been Something Mysterious About Those Redhead Girls That Always Got My Blood Rushing Into All My Naughty Lady Parts.
Tex Avery Was an American Cartoonist That Had a Natural Knack For Slapstick and Gags. Tex Avery Was The Creator Of Many Looney Tune Classics Such As Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck,and Porkie Pig. But Most Memorable Was Droopy and His Cast of Characters Such As The Horny Wolf and Red Hot Riding Hood.
The Sexual Content,The Hollywood Glamour and The Casual Drinking & Smoking,Were Staples In His Now Legendary Shorts.The Wolf Chased Red,Red Was Trying To Escape To Grandma and Grandma Must Have Been Raging On Something Because SHE WAS ALLLLL ABOUT THAT WOLF MEAT.
I Personally Enjoyed The Second Riding Hood Titled "Little Rural Riding Hood" It's a Little Bit Funnier With The Goofy Country Bumpkin Wolf...."He Just Wants To Kiss and Hug Her And Hold Her And Kiss Her And Gosh....." Sureee That's What All The Men of the 1940's Only Wanted to Do Right? Hug and Kiss? Red Later Finally Received a Name in One of Droopy Spin Offs Droopy & Dripple.Miss Vavoom Suited With Her Saucy Style and Curvaceous Bod.
Now There's a lot of Talk About Which Flintstone Babe Was The Hottest But Since This Is All About Reds We'll Have To Go With Wilma ,Pebbles and Guest Star Ann Magrock. Wilma Had Fred on LOCK DOWN...How Many Red Hot Mama's Has Rocks That Big Draped Around Her Neck Like That If She Doesn't Have a Happy Man? Maybe Fred Was Big On Happy Wife Happy Life?
I'm Pretty Sure Fred Was a Wife Beater...He Was a Cave Man After All...And He Was Modeled After Ralph Kramden Who Was in His Own Right a Brute,Violent Bus Driver. He'd Insult His Wife And Then Threaten Her With Physical Violence. Sexy Eh? Well Some How They Spawned They're Adorable Daughter Pebbles. She Really Skanked It Up With Her No Pants Policy a Girl Of My Own Heart. Just Like Myself She Has Serious Bed Head Issues Constantly Getting Things Stuck In Her Do Sucha As a Bone.She's Even Had Little Bam Bam Chasing Her Screaming Nothing But "BAM BAM" It's Not Only His Name Ladies.
Ann Margrock Was a Starlet That Got a Flat Tire On Her Way To An Event...She Was Voiced By Real Life Redheaded Babe Ann Margret She Totally Banged Elvis When He Was Like Lucid,Skinny,Drop Dead Sexy and Talented...Bitchhhhh.
From The Stone Age To The Space Age Let's Get Familiar With a Futuristic Babe.Jane Jetson Is The Mom Of The Future. She Spent Her Husbands Hard Earned Cash On Robotic Sex Toys and Jewelery That Complemented Her With Such Gems like "Your Butt Looks Small Today" and "Your Eyebrows Are Looking Phenomenal In This Lighting." Ahhh To Be a Sultry Mom Of The Near Distant Future...
Our Next Babe Makes All Mystery Solving Stoners Thick in Their Nether Reigns....When You Hear Daphne Blake A Few Words Come To Mind Like Jinkies & Zoinks! Daphne Was the Beautiful Rich Girl Of Mystery Inc. Leaving Poor Velma To Be The Brains of the Operation To Apprehend The Spooky Criminals. Daphne Would "Investigate" Alone With The Handsome Fred Jones and His Orange Ascot Filled With Man Sweat and European Cologne UGHHHHH. They Would Come Back From Some Trap Door or Swiveling Book Case That They Only Knew About With Daph Fussing With Her Hair... Yeah Girllllllllll. Get It!
One Of My Biggest Idols Doesn't Even Live On Land. But With Perfect Hair Under Water and Out.It's Easy To See Why Any Land Lover To Think She's Worth Dying For. Ariel Was a 16 year old Mermaid With a Slight Hoarder OCD Complex. But Shit, Girl Had AMAZING HAIR!!!! Perfect Volume During an Intense Song About The Troubles Of Living Under The Sea. Then Having Epic Bangs In The Sea Breeze While Singing Your Little Fish Heart Out To Any Pirate Listening?? AHHH Here's Some Photographic Evidence To Show You What I'm Talking About.
(Are You Ready To Jump Ship Too?) So Our Girl Was a Little Dick Crazy and She Was Willing To Give Up Her Gift Of Song For It....I'm Mean Prince Eric Was Probably All About The Situation. A Speechless Temptress Of The Sea Pining For Your Attention? Ariel Probably Smelt Like Seaweed and Coconuts, Skin as Soft as Silk (Years and Years Of Salt Water) Her New Toes Probably Were SOOO CUTE. Purple Shells Are Soooo In This Season Too.
Let's Change Gears Shall We? A Super Villianess Poison Ivy Was a Scientist Nerd That Was in a Freak Accident Where She Became a Super Sexual Seductress. Her Main Power Was Her Kiss Of Death. Her Lips Were Nothing But Deadly. Like Most Tropical Plants She Exacerbated An Exotic Scent That Aroused All Her Victims To Their Death.
Who Knew Such An Irritating Plant Could Be So Alluring? This Temptress Questioned Batman's Love Affair With Robin. She Could Make Any Red Blooded Man Cry and Desperate...SAUCY....
Another Redheaded Vixen Was CGI'd Prince Fiona. Voiced By Cameron Diaz She Could Knock Out a Crew Of Merry Men,Matrix Kick You In The Face and Singing Became Her Lethal Weapon.. Sure She Eventually Turned Into an Orgre But She Found Love and Talking Donkeys,Talking Gingerbread Boys And Seductive Spanish Cat.
Another Silver Screen Babe Was None Other Than Jessica Rabbit. She The Starlet That Won The Heart of Roger Rabbit and Many Generations Of Boys. Legs That Went On For Days,Her Peekaboo Hair Style and Juicy Assets.
She Was Every Diva Rolled Up In One.
A Beloved Tv Show Growing Up Was About This Epic Older Sister With The Dreams Of Becoming an Actress. Judy Funnie. Well It Was a Show About Her Little Brother, Doug.She was a Brilliant Fashion Icon, Wearing Black With Purple,Thigh High Black Leather Boots and Sunglasses ALL DAY EVERYDAY! Nothing Said Thespian Like a Beret In The 90's,Judy Was The Beatnik At Heart Then a Sister.
Is she lame? Is she cool? Is she breakin' every rule? Is she anybody's fool? Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann, marchin' in her own parade. Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million! Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann, much too cool for seventh grade. Catch 'er if you can, Pepper Ann
The Song Should Be Enough To Explain How Awesome Pepper Ann Was. She Ruled Saturday Morning Cartoons With Her Independent Gusto and Her Band of Odd Friends. Her Tomboyish Sister Moose Scarred Me For 5 Years. I Wasn't Sure What Her Deal Was Or That She Was a Chick To Begin With. My Own Sexual Identity Struggled Because of MOOSE!
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Let's Bring It Back To a Modern Day Mom Shall We? Lois Griffin Has The Sex Appeal Of a Tigress in Heat. She's Gave Birth To Three Of Peter Griffin's Unwanted Children Yet Still Is Hot Enough To Own The Hearts Of Both Brian The Family Dog and Glen Quagmire The Local Perverted Sexaholic. Lois Came From a Wealthy Pewterschmidt Family. Peter Was a Towel Boy at Her Country Club, They Fell In Love In a Dirty Dancing Type Scene. Lois Was Also Crowned Miss Rhode Island And Won a Year Contract With a Modeling Agency But He Father Didn't Think It Was Classy Enough For a Pewterschmidt. Lois Is Currently a Piano Teacher and Home Maker. Enough Wine Lois Can Become a Lounge Singer in Just Moments If Tempt Hard Enough.
From The Modern Mom To The Girl Next Door...Mary Jane Watson Was Peter Parker's Next Door Neighbor. She Was a Fiesty Redhead That Has Severe Family Issues Resulting In Party and Multiple Relationships. Referring To Peter Parker As Tiger She Won his Heart But Not Hers....Well Right Away. They Eventually Get Married But Not After Much Chaos and Terror Was Involved First. Where There's MJ There's a Trail Of Broken Hearts....Harry Osborn Was One Casualty.
One Of My Favorite Shows Was Gargoyles. Stone by Day Beast By Night This Show Captured My Heart. Demona Was the Former Mate Of Goliath The Clan's Leader and Hearthob. They Gave Birth to Gargoyle Hottie Angela. Unlike The Rest Of The Clan Demona Wasn't Frozen For Hundreds Of Years But Was Rather Cursed To Live As Long As Macbeth Did By Puck The Trickster. Macbeth Had Named Demona For Her Demonic Fight Skills. After Many Years Demona Had Grown a Distaste For Humans Yet She'd Been Cursed To Become Human During The Day Rather Then Turn Into Stone....What a Hottie
Another Devilish Red Head Was A Marvelous Mutant.Jean Grey-Summers Was The Redheaded Bombshell That Kept The X-Men Busting Seams In Those Spandex Suits. Born With Telepathic and Telekinetic Abilities She Could Undress You and Make You Say Naughty Things To Her Against Your Own Will. But Who'd Complain? This Firecrotch was an Omega-Level Mutant Meaning She Could Manipulate Matter and Energy,Translation She's An All Around BAD ASS. When She Wasn't Giving Cyclops a HJ Without Using Her Hands and Drying Hump Wolverine While Floating In Mid Air She Was Fighting Her Inner Demons. Like a Bad Case Of Herpes The Burning Sensation Manifested As The Phoenix.
Our Next Choice Is One Mom That Had To Deal With An Eccentric Inventor Husband Who Constantly Stayed Up Late To Steal The Mini Van's Car Battery For His Latest Creations,Silly Hebrew Parents,A Sleeping Father-In-Law Regularly Losing Her Children,and Trying To Evade Her Over Enthusiastic Gym Rat Lesbian Next Door Neighbor. Dee Dee Pickles Wass The Kindhearted Mother of Two Little Pickles. Including Her Husband Stu It's Three. His Late Night Antics Made Her Hair Turn On Her. When The Rugrats Movie Came Out And She Was In Those Stirrups I Couldn't Stopping Thinking About Her. Years of Following Dr. Lipschitz She'd Have To Be a Bomb Ass Mom By Now.
If You Have Yellow Fever This Next Underaged Sexpot Maybe Your Diamond In The Rough. Do You Like Monsters? Do You Like Tomboys That Travels With Two Boys,and a Girl That Knows How To Handle Balls?Lemme Introduce You To Misty From Pokemon Which Is Short For Pocket Monsters....To Catch a Predator Was Already Taken. Misty Followed Potential Pokemon Master Ash and Brock. While Going On Adventures Team Rocket Would Try To Put a Pokeball In Misty's Pikachu While Trying Not To Squirtle All Over Her JigglyPuff....Dirtyyy
Continuing With Our Theme Of Pedophilia Let's Talk About Genetically Engineered Test Tube Super Heroes. The Power Puff Girls Were Sugar,Spice and Everything Nice Except The Professor Added and Extra Ingredient to the Concoction...CHEMICAL X. Theses Little Kindergartners Were Rescuing Their City Of Townsville On a Daily Basis.Blossom The Leader Was a Little Bossy But She Knows How To Finish The Job and We All Know That's The Girl You Really Want To Be With. Bubbles Her Blonde Sister Was a Dud, She Would Grow Into a Cocktease That Would Blow Anyone For a New Stuffed Animal. Buttercup Was Become The First Female President With Her First Lady Ms. Sara Bellum. (Ms. Bellum Was The Mayors Secretary. Her Face Was Almost Hiden But Those Curves Were Always Kickin'. Ms. Bellum is One Saucy Babe To Keep Most Politicians Warm At Night.)
Another Trio Of Babes Which Was Also Lead By a Redhead Was Josie and The Pussycats! Josie and Her Bandmates Were Like a Sexy Sober Scooby Doo. They Even Became Crime Solvers In SPACE!!!!!! They Had Fun Songs That All Those Horny Cereal Eating Boys Of The 60's Loved To Sing-A-Long.
Our Next Babe Really Was a Dream Come True For Any Master. Jeanie Was a Magical Sex Kitten That Granted Your Every Wish From Sexual Fantasies To a Underwater Adventure Then She'll Wrap It Up By Disappearing Back Into Her Bottle. Jeanie Was Your Girl To Keep You Satisfied She Lived To Please Her Master.
And Our Last Is a Gal That Sure Does Know How To Work It. Petunia Was Little Pete's Life Long Companion. Sure She's a Tattoo and a Young Chubby Little Boy But She Was Purrrrdy!
Volume Two....Those Gingers Should Sit On The Face So I Can Guess Their Weight (Redheaded Gents)
